Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
