The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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