i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
