Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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