I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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