Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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