Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
