haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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