when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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