There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
