I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
