I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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