Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
