my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
