One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are we still banned from the library?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
