Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
