just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Randomize
