the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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