so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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