sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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