just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
