tell your sister to shave her snatch
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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