She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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