Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
