Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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