im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
