I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
