About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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