I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
