woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
