Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
