Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
