you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
