Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
