nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
