I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
