I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
