So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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