I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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