I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
