Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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