whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
