I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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