Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
