why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
