This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
