I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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