you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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