Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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