I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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