Girls should come with a carfax report
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Will exercising make me less horny?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
