last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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