is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
