He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize