i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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