Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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