If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
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No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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