I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just had sex bonerless
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
