Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
