Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That was an excessively violent trivia night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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