I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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