Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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